sister

From now on, I will not talk to her. She is the reason why I'm still on confusion, I don't know what should I feel. Sadness? Anger? Hate? Pity? Betrayed? Regret? I want to end this mixed-emotion thing. She has no idea how much I want to blame myself for all these things. She has no idea how much I want to transfer all the pain she has into me, if that's the only way to make her feel better. I want to comfort her. I want to hug her. I want to do that, maybe because she's still my sister, my only sister. But I just can't, I feel so betrayed.

I know I also have shortcomings. Maybe I am not a very good sister to her. Maybe I wasn't there when she needs me. Maybe the things I did was not enough for her to refuse on the bad things that the world could teach her.. I should have seen this coming. I should have done something to prevent these things from happening. I want to turn back the time and stay on the moments of our laughters and sharings. But it seems so impossible. I'm missing the old her.

I realize a lot of things from this situation. You know me, I'm the kind of person who could still smile even in the middle of a storm. Weakness is there but positivity is also there. I am hoping that sooner or later she would realize how much we love her. That all those advices and the things we do are for her own good. I wish she will soon learn to let go and value the unconditional love of our heaven-sent parents. I am praying for that..

But now, I just can't talk to her. Maybe because I know she still doesn't realize her bad deeds. I just can't talk to her because I'm waiting for a sign. I just can't talk to her because I want to hear something from her.. I want to sincerely hear the five-letter word from her.

Maybe then I could trust her again and see that things are coming back on it's proper places again.